Last night I had a dream. I was kissing a man that appeared to be my boyfriend. It seem like he and I worked together. I was completely turned on by the kissing (which is why I made a personal decision to wait until my wedding day to ever kiss another man). I looked him in the eyes and said “I want to feel you inside of me. Get a condom.” At that point the man jump up to get a condom but I immediately felt a sense of guilt as if I was failing Christ (again). I then told the man that I couldn’t do this, it was all wrong.
When I woke up, I began to pray. The dream felt so real and that feeling was one that was oh too familiar. I felt like I had actually failed God, as I had done so many times in the past. I felt overwhelmed and helpless in my flesh. I explained to the Lord that I couldn’t do this by myself and I needed His help. I felt lost and trapped. I began to ask God “why am I still single? I’m struggling with my flesh and you won’t send me a husband. Your word says it is better to marry than to burn with lust. I want to be married so I won’t burn with lust yet you won’t let me get married.”
At that moment I felt the Lord speak to my heart. “You can get married now if you desire, if all you want to do is please your flesh, but you can’t have the husband I have for you because he isn’t ready yet!” The feeling I got from God was that He was not standing in the way of me fulfilling my desires. He was tired of being blamed for this. I never realized how much I blamed God in a negative way for my singleness. On so many occasions I would walk around thinking to myself “God is the reason I’m single. He’s holding out and I’m doing this for Him. It would be so much easier if I could date like the people in the world.” God was letting me know if I wanted to go off and get married just because my flesh was yearning for sexual gratification then so be it, but it would be at my own risk because I was not getting the man that He was preparing for me. I would be forfeiting my blessing and settling for less.
I had to weigh my options. Was getting a moment of sexual gratification worth more than me connecting with my God sent King? Was it worth me giving up on the ministry vision God gave me which included my husband and I serving together? Was it worth me dealing with unknown consequences because I was operating out of God’s will? Was it worth a lifetime of regrets and wondering what my life would have been like if I had patience and did things God’s way? Absolutely Not! I waited this long, I can continue to wait. God had reassured me that the blessing will come, I have to give my husband his time to be prepared just for me and our Christ centered mission.
To be honest I’m actually excited about this process because now that I know God is currently working on my hubby (for me) lol, I know he will be worth the wait. God always delivers the best gifts. One thing I am aware of is that if a gift is given prematurely, it can cause more harm than good. Kind of like the story of giving a 4 year old a brand new car. That child is too young to know how to handle the vehicle accordingly and if he/she gets on the road with that car, damage will be done!
That’s what happens when a relationship formed prematurely. My husband might not be the man I need him to be right now in order for us to have a long lasting, loving, successful relationship . He might not be where he needs to be in life to be a provider. He might not be where he needs to be spiritually to lead me. He may not be where he needs to be mentality. Maybe he has some things he needs to accomplish first and a relationship/family will distract him. All I know is God said this man is not ready for me yet so I have to go with that. The Master of knowledge has spoken lol. So please be encouraged and continue to hold out.
-Kimberly L. Watts