“Don’t change yourselves to be like the people of this world, but let God change you inside with a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide and accept what God wants for you. You will be able to know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect.” (ERV)
Recently I broke up with my boyfriend whom is a “Christian” man. When I met him I found out he was a musician in the church, he trained to be a minister at one point, and he knows the word of God really well. Sounds like a pretty good man of God… Well so I thought at the time. For a single Christian woman that desires a Godly companionship that will lead to marriage, I felt like I had finally received my blessing and my prayers had been answered, especially when he started the process of purchasing an engagement ring for me.
Well this relationship was anything but Godly surprisingly. We didn’t have consistent fellowship. The majority of our conversations were based more on everything but God and ministry related things, and our focus was more so on making each other happy opposed to making God happy. As I look back we completely left God out of it.
There were moments when I would asked God if this was really the man He had chosen for me, being that I found myself disconnecting more and more from God. Not to mention being that God wasn’t being brought into our relationship on a constant basis. I knew within my heart that was wrong, and that our relationship was not resembling a Godly relationship. But I wanted the relationship to work. Every time I found myself questioning God about this man, in regards to our relationship and the lack of it being Christ centered, it seemed something would happen that would cause he and I to have a disconnection with each other as well, where we would part ways for a brief period and somehow reconcile.
When we finally parted ways for good, I found myself relying on God, leaning on Him. I just wanted to be with Him and be close to Him. I was like the prodigal daughter, returning to the Father after running off, breaking His heart and trying to do things my way for the sake of finding love. There were moments when I was tempted to seek comfort in other men as I have always done in my past, but my spirit rebelled against it and like a child, all I wanted was my daddy (my spiritual daddy). Although I was seeking God more during this time, I had my bad days where I felt hurt and questioned whether things could have been different. I was facing being single and alone again.
One of the many blessings I have in my life is the fact that my church has a morning prayer line daily. A few days ago, one of the Elders at my church spoke about people putting their own personal happiness before God’s glory. At the time I really wasn’t interested in hearing that. My heart was very heavy. A few days after that I read a blog by Heather Lindsey, one of my favorite motivational speakers. In that blog she spoke about God being more happy with our eternity, opposed to our happiness. I was not interested in hearing that either (just being honest.) My heart and mind was in a totally different space. It was one of my bad days since the breakup. But God was clearly trying to get a message through to me.
Well as faith would have it, I started reading my devotional yesterday morning and the first word I saw was “discipline.” I thought about the messages I had been hearing in recent days and thought to myself “well I guess I have to focus on being holy and not worry about the pursuit of happiness.” At that moment I started to hear God’s voice. “It isn’t about you not being happy, it is more so about you being happy in sin. I want you happy, but I want you happy in holiness.”
I immediately understood what God was telling me. God wanted me to let go of the things that were not of Him, and strive to live like Him and all those things I desired would fall in line. Be happy doing things God’s way. My happiness needs to come before the relationship, and not as a result of the relationship. And when the relationship comes, I need to be happy with someone that will have the joy of the lord too. Be happy with someone that will actually live for God and not just talk about living for God. Be happy with someone that will keep God at the center of his life and our relationship. I had to let go of that fear of loneliness, as well as being impatient. God never forgets his children, even when we feel like He has forgotten because we can’t see past our current situation. That man will come but the focus can’t be on that man, the focus has to be on God.
So today I made a vow. I want to walk with God and I am willing to allow God to write my love story whether it means I may or may not receive a mate in this lifetime. I am willing to make that sacrifice. Sometimes we sacrifice too much to have these relationships that will ultimately end up bad or go nowhere, then we look back on these things and find ourselves living with so much regret because we have wasted so much time. Let’s start to make better sacrifices by sacrificing ourselves for Jesus. Let’s see what the outcome shall be. This is worth a try. I’m walking in faith, but this time my focus is on my heavenly King.
Be encouraged saints.
-Kimberly L. Watts